Satan's Little Beauties

Now that school is over, and I can actually breathe a little, I'm going to try and blog more. Not really about anything specific, just stuff that comes to mind and I want to elaborate on.

So, this morning, like most mornings, I'm a part of a really awesome group chat with some awesome guys. Think of it as The View for men, but better and less obnoxious. Today, we somehow came up to the topic of spiders and whether or not to kill them or let them live. I mean, these are the eight legged freaks with fangs. These little creeps crawl around, killing off bugs with their webs and suck the life out of them so they can live. Some of us want to kill them mercilessly, others are willing to save them and set them outside, free to live from the perils of flyswatters and shoes coming down on them at any given time. 

Personally, I'm terrified of not just spiders, but also scorpions. I mean, let's be honest, they're evil. What good can come from eight legged, venom filled creatures? Or an armored bug with crab claws and a tail ready and aimed to kill at any given time? Sure, they benefit the downfall of other bugs, which I guess is cool, but really. They're evil. They look evil. They act evil. They just. are. evil. 

But then it spun into a fun little concept that I couldn't stop giggling about. What if God let Satan design some creatures? I mean, let's be honest, they aren't the prettiest of creatures, and all they do is sting and bite. So what if there was a conversation before Lucifer went all 'I'm going to be the next God' on God that kickstarted his kicking-out of Heaven? Let's think about how that could have gone down...

God: What now, Lucifer? 

Lucifer: God, I've got some ideas. You know how you're creating all these creatures on that rock you called Earth? Well, I want to jump in on it. You see, there's some things I'd love to see share the planet with your creatures. 

God: Okay, well what do you have in mind?

Lucifer: Okay, hear me out: there's these things called 'bugs', right? You've made caterpillars that turn into butterflies, and y-you've also made bees that pollinate and help the plants. But I've got these two that I think would be awesome to see! Check this out: the first one, will have a two part body, but on each side, it'll have four legs, so it can scurry around really fast. But, but, it'll also poop out this white string stuff, and it'll spin its 'home' between places that are really in the way, that way everyone knows they're around. Even better, to protect itself, some of them will have teeth that can bite anything, and give annoyance to its victims. Cool, right?! 

God: ....so, what's its purpose? 

Lucifer: well, I guess it can eat other bugs, that way it can keep the balance of things in check. But outside of that, nothing really..it's just cool. 

God: I don't like it, but I'll let it pass. 

Lucifer: Oh great! So, here's my second pitch. 

God: Oh goodie. 

Lucifer: So, picture this: imagine a bug that has six or so legs, and a long body, with a this armor on top of it. Give it the snappy claws of a crab, and a tail with a stinger of a hornet, and multiply it by a thousand. Some can be yellow and clear, and blend in with the sand, but the deluxe version will be HUGE and all black. It'll be...the emperor of all of them! It'll have this intense and terrifying name...like...like...scorp-i-on..

God: So you're telling me, you want to create a bug that not only stings everything in its path, but also give it a death grip to squeeze the life out of all my innocent creatures? 

Lucifer: Yup. Exactly. Can I have it like I had the other one? 

God: NOPE. That is far from anything I would ever want on my planet. It serves no purpose but evil, and to kill. It does not help anything and I see only fear, anger and intimidation. I will not have that on my planet. 

Lucifer: Wait a second, so you're telling me, you can create things like a...a platypus. That freaky furry thing with a duck bill, a otter body and a beaver tail, and I can't have my scorpion?! Come on! How fair is that? You even created that short and fat hippo! The only thing it does is have a big mouth! Seriously. You made an animal leathery, gray, and can hinge its jaw at 180º. That's about as good as it gets, God. You really did a great job with some of these things. 

God: Don't question me. Once I got past most birds, dogs and cats, it was hard to get creative. I mean, do you know how much work had to go into figuring out how to make a giraffe? 

Lucifer: That's not my problem. I'm here to help, and I want a scorpion. I want it, and I want it NOW. 

God: Don't take that tone with me, Lucifer. 

Lucifer: Don't take what tone? This tone? You get all the fun. You make a ball with rock and water and then all these things to run and swim around on it, and all I want is two tiny bugs. Hell, you even made a snake! It's literally a worm with teeth and a mouth. 

God: Now you're just getting rude. 

Lucifer: I don't care. You get all the fun, and all us angels have to do is play harps and sing praise to you for all the cool stuff. We're literally groupies with halos and wings, and I'm sick of it. I want in on this fun, and you're going to let me. 

God: Y'know what...you're right. 

Lucifer: Of course I'm rig-....wait, what'd you say? 

God: You heard me. 

Lucifer: Y-yeah, I...I am right. I'm right. 

God. You sure are. And y'know what? I'm going to give you your two creatures. But there's a catch. 

Lucifer: Okay..I don't even care, I'll take it. 

God: Good. Now you're the king of the earth, and you have to care for your two little bugs, but also, you have to tend for all of mine that I've done.

Lucifer: You sure? I mean, I only wanted to help. I didn't really plan on ruling...

God: Well, you've been acting like a brat as of lately. I've had to deal with not only this, but you ended up sending Gabriel to the hospital the other day, because he believed you when you said everything up here was literally made out of milk and honey. It took the doctor 3 hours to fish out the bolts and shards of metal from his attempt to eat a lamppost.

Lucifer: hehe, yeah that was a good one...

God: *sigh*...yeah, you're out of here.

*POOF* Lucifer's gone.


And kids, that's how Satan became ruler of earth, lurked around the garden of eden and punk'd all of us into being less than holy. All because he was mad at God for screwing him over and trying to teach him a lesson. We're victims of holy collateral damage.